Divorce can be a stressful and emotional process for any family. Children can be some of the most vulnerable family members during this time. Parents in Tulsa, Oklahoma, must be honest and provide age-appropriate reassurance when speaking to their children about divorce. Open communication can help children feel safe, secure, and supported throughout the divorce process.
About Stange Law Firm
At Stange Law Firm, we have worked with families in Oklahoma and across the United States since 2007. Our experienced attorneys regularly practice before the Tulsa County District Court, where they handle family law matters, including divorce, custody, and parenting plans.
We can help you work with your children, develop a child-focused parenting plan, and protect your legal rights during divorce and custody proceedings. Stange Law Firm is here to help parents with legal advice and emotional support during this difficult transition.
Relevant Oklahoma Laws
In Oklahoma, family law prioritizes the best interests of children when determining custody and visitation. Title 43 of the Oklahoma Statutes governs child custody, visitation, and relocation.
Judges apply the “best interest” standard in parental rights actions and parenting time and custody allocations. Factors considered include the child’s age and needs, parental ability to communicate and make decisions, and the child’s relationship with each parent.
Parental divorce occurs before adulthood for almost one-third of American children. Additionally, according to one study, children of divorce are 43% more likely to be incarcerated. Early childhood divorce also increases mortality by age 25 by 35%. These statistics show the importance of having healthy conversations around divorce to help children both understand and cope with the outcomes.
Preparing to Talk to Your Kids
Plan the conversation before talking to your children about divorce. Consider what age-appropriate information they need and how to discuss complex topics like custody, visitation, and living arrangements. Anticipate questions and be prepared to answer calmly and honestly, without blaming the other parent.
Parents should have this conversation in a quiet, familiar place, free of distractions. This may be at home, in the child’s bedroom, or in a favorite spot. Try to avoid talking about divorce when children are tired, hungry, or already upset. A calm environment can make children feel safer and allow them to process information at their own pace.
Use Age-Appropriate Language
Children’s understanding of divorce and their ability to cope with complex emotions change with age, so be sure to use language they can understand and digest.
- Younger children. Use simple language, like saying that mom and dad will live in different houses. Reaffirm your love for them. Avoid complex details about finances, custody disputes, or separation.
- School-aged kids. Provide more detail, but assure children that the divorce is not their fault. Be direct about visitation schedules and routines.
- Teenagers. Teens can understand more complex conversations, but they also want honesty. Include information about how decisions are made and any financial or legal considerations. Allow teens to ask questions and share their feelings.
The key is honesty while avoiding burdening the child with adult issues. Reassure children that both parents will continue to love and support them, and emphasize consistent routines to provide added stability.
Avoid Blame and Arguing
Children should never feel that they are the cause of their parents’ divorce. Do not place blame, criticize the other parent, or discuss personal grievances or issues in front of children. Listening to their parents’ conflicts or criticism can lead to anxiety, guilt, and divided loyalties. Focus on reassurance, stability, and cooperation between parents. Use neutral, factual statements instead of negative language.
Offer Emotional Support
Children also need to feel like they can express their emotions freely and openly. Parents should encourage questions, validate children’s emotions, and actively listen without judgment. Let children know it is normal to feel a variety of negative emotions, including sadness, anger, and confusion. Be patient and prepared to talk several times, as children process the divorce and their emotions over time.
Consider access to counseling, support groups, or school guidance counselors in Tulsa. Children benefit from professional emotional support and a safe place to discuss their feelings, and a counselor can help them develop healthy coping skills.
FAQs
Q: When Should I Tell My Children About Divorce?
A: Parents should inform their children as early as possible, and after they have reached an agreement on important issues such as living arrangements and custody. Early disclosure avoids confusion, anxiety, and a sense of betrayal. This also allows children time to process and ask questions about the divorce. Early preparation can help them better prepare for the transition before the divorce is finalized.
Q: Should Both Parents Be Present When Telling Children About Divorce?
A: Ideally, both parents will talk to the children about divorce to show the children a united front. In high-conflict cases, one parent may need to talk first and make arrangements for subsequent conversations with professional support.
Additionally, if one parent fears their own or their children’s safety, or if it would not be appropriate for the other parent to be present, such as in instances of domestic violence, it may be more appropriate for one parent to have this conversation.
Q: How Should I Respond to a Child Who Responds Emotionally to the Divorce News?
A: If your child responds with heightened emotions or in anger to the divorce news, keep calm and keep the conversation open. Acknowledge their emotions, remain calm, and listen without judgment. Assure them that strong feelings are normal and that both parents love and support them. Counseling can also help them cope.
Q: How Much Information Should I Share With My Child?
A: The amount of information you share with your child about the divorce will depend on the age of the child. Young children only need basic, easily digestible information. Older children can digest more information, but you may still keep it informative. The key is to avoid blame, reaffirm your love for them, and keep communication open so they can ask questions and share their thoughts and feelings.
Stange Law Firm Can Help in Your Divorce
If you are going through a divorce, Stange Law Firm can help you in the legal proceedings. You do not have to go through it alone. Contact us today for a consultation.